Credits: U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 3rd Class Thomas Furnish / Wikimedia Commons — public domain.
Ah, New Caledonia! Its paradise beaches, its blue lagoon… and its riots. It was in this dream setting that our riot police were sent in May 2024. They weren’t there for a vacation, but to restore order. However, some officers reportedly took the opportunity to do more than crowd control… The result? An emergency return, but not because of the riots.
According to Le Canard enchaîné, about a dozen riot police officers may have been struck by an ailment far more embarrassing than ordinary social unrest: gonorrhea. This infection, affectionately nicknamed "the clap," has made headlines. Apparently, between two patrols, our valiant defenders of public order made a quick stop at a nightclub reputed to be "hot." The result? A one-way ticket to a sexually transmitted infection. And a rushed trip back home, in the utmost secrecy, of course. Best not to dwell on that kind of detail when you’re wearing a uniform, right?
According to the famous satirical newspaper, the officers were housed in a chic hotel in Nouméa. They quickly drew the attention of the hotel management. Between frequent nighttime comings and goings and a riot police officer caught in little more than his underwear in the hallways, the hotel decided to sound the alarm. The Ministry of the Interior, contacted by management, reportedly took charge of the situation. One can imagine the awkwardness on the other end of the line. But what do you do when a "serious outbreak of the clap" threatens the smooth running of the mission? Zip, an express return to mainland France for those involved, without a soul noticing!
The central command of the riot police did not wait long to respond to these accusations. And guess what? It denies them outright! For them, there is nothing to see. It’s all false. But then again, when it comes to the "clap," it’s hard to stay cool. Le Canard nevertheless insists, noting that everything was done "in the greatest secrecy." We know the drill.
French authorities are not exactly having an easy time of it. Deploying RAID, mobile gendarmes, and CRS 8 units to put down riots is one thing. But having to deal with an internal gonorrhea outbreak is a whole different matter. Fortunately, gonorrhea, while unpleasant, is treatable. As a reminder, this sexually transmitted infection is fairly common among young men under 30. A quick night out, unprotected sex, and there’s your result: pain when urinating and a memory that won’t fade nearly as easily.
While the CRS leadership continues to deny the facts, one can’t help but wonder. If these riot police officers were indeed brought back for such an embarrassing reason, why not own up to it? After all, it could be a chance to remind everyone of the importance of protection, even on deployment. Or maybe they hoped all of this would go unnoticed.
Meanwhile, the riots in New Caledonia continue to rage. Since the 2020 referendum, political tensions have only grown. The presence of law enforcement remains essential. However, it seems that some priorities got a little derailed along the way. In any case, the question on everyone’s lips (and not just in New Caledonia) is simple: what happens next?
We can count on our colleagues at Le Canard enchaîné to keep digging into this story. The truth, as always, will eventually come out. And if it doesn’t, at least it gave us a good laugh. For now, the CRS leadership categorically denies it. But don’t worry, the media will shed light on this bizarre tropical fever.